Chengcheng's Fotothing

My Grandma Yifang Liu (1933-2009)

16 Oct 2009

Today is grandma's 4th 'Seven'. I couldn't be there for her. In fact it's been a very stressful day at school and I didn't even get a chance to think about what mum has been doing tonight. She must have burnt some more stuff for grandma, but maybe not clothes because we had agreed before I left that we'd burn no more clothes. It simply pains us too much. Granda can't bear it.

This evening I've been smoking my first cig since I came back. Tomorrow's Saturday and I don't know how I'm going to cope with the emptiness that fills this weekend. I'd rather be at school, working and not dwelling on the past. Or the present, which is getting more & more painful each day. Heavy with the weight of nothingness. Painful with the kind of loss I've never experienced before.

How can I ever possibly explain? Even to myself? I am so drained of emotion. I feel everything has been sucked out of me. I feel like an empty lifeless shell. Traumatized is the word for it. What happened in September 2009 was an abyss that swallowed me live. After all these, I can hardly feel a thing. I can't even say I feel sorry for myself. For death outweighs any earthly sorrows and longings. In the face of death, nothing bears any importance.

I have never in my life felt so close to her. Part of me died along with her. I have never realised that I'm just like her in so many ways. Even our destinies seem to run in parallel. I'm simply another version of her. I miss her so much that sometimes I simply can't and don't want to stop crying. I want to go with her. And never in my life did I understand her so well, and adore her so much.

She was such an extraordinary woman. Full of life & beautiful thoughts. She would have wanted more life. She wasn't prepared to leave the stage and bow out. She didn't finish her life at all. She was snatched away by the nothingness from us all.

I can see her long and winding journey of life stretched out before my eyes like a map. I can see my traces on it. It makes everything seem trivial. All my worries disappear. No more reason for self pity. For nothing weighs as much as it used to do. My sorrows have become worthless before the map of her life. And I can finally make peace with fate.